Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Deja vu (or the ongoing saga of Fred and Doris)

Fred looked resplendent as he lovingly gazed at his reflection in the hallway mirror. “Yessiree, today is the day I luck out and snag that new fishing lure down at Walmart!”

His red and yellow Argyle socks seductively clung to his hairy calves. The toes were a tad thread bare as was obvious from the sandals he wore. His hunter green shorts, with the gazillion utility pockets, cinched quite nicely with a faux alligator belt, and topped with fire engine red suspenders managed to magically transplant his waist so that it now lay somewhere just below his man-boobies. His John Deere tee shirt felt a little snug around his ham sized biceps and those damned shorts were starting to ride high again! Oh well, just a small tug, and it will be fine.

“Hey Doris, you coming or what?”

“For goodness sakes Fred, hold your horses! I am just putting on my face!”

Fred frowned as he thought maybe it would be easier for Doris if he got her a spatula to put on her make up. But he had once said that to her a few years back with rather dire results, and the memory of the swollen eye returned to haunt him, so he let it slide.

Fred grabbed his lucky cap; the one that was embossed with “Old Fart” on the front, and slapped it on his thigh to remove the dust. Then he gingerly placed it over his magnificently coiffed comb-over with great care so as not to disturb his “do”. There! The ensemble complete, he was ready to hit Walmart with all the vim and vigor of a kid at Toys R Us!

Doris exited the bathroom with a gasp! “Fred! Did you forget something?”

Fred looked at Doris quizzically.

“What do you mean? I got all my lucky clothes on, and you know Doris, if I do say so myself you might have to watch them ladies there at Walmart. They may be wanting to steal your man away from you!”

Fred gave a broad, toothless smile.

“There!” said Doris, “that’s exactly what I mean! Where the hell are your teeth Fred?”

“Oh, right here in my pocket. No worries, I will put them in before we hit the MacDonalds at Walmart.”

“You will do nothing of the sort Fred! Put em in NOW!”.

Fred frowned.

“You know Doris, I don’t appreciate your tone here. I will put them in when we get there, and that’s that!”

Fred watched as Doris trudged dishearteningly off towards the kitchen and disappeared out of sight. Fred returned to the mirror for another admiring glance.

Doris called out from the kitchen, “Fred, can I see you for a sec honey?”

The last thing remembered as he entered the kitchen was a dark spherical object approaching his face at lightning speed, then total darkness. As the light slowly returned, he saw Doris sitting at the kitchen table.

“Now Fred, about your teeth.”

Fred clawed his way to the bathroom and slowly looked into the mirror as he withdrew his dentures from his pocket. Across his forehead was emblazoned “laF-T” As he stared into the mirror, an eerie feeling surrounded him.

“God lord! I have seen that mark before, I swear! This here must be one of them deejer voodoo things ya always hear about! Wait till Oprah hears about this!”

For The Inferno's theme of Deja vu or as Fred sees it Deejer Voodoo

1 comment:

LceeL said...

That's just friggin' hilarious.